Just when I thought I was getting the hang of blogging with some ideas & realizing that I did not need to be “THE” expert on anything, something devastating happened. With the passing of a child of one of my best friends, nothing seemed important any more. The healthy athletic 25-year-old died suddenly & unexpectedly. I can NOT begin to understand this no matter how hard I try. His son was a good, no, a great person who was extremely intelligent, very handsome, friendly, nice & had a great sense of humor. When I read all the tributes to him from so many people of all ages & from many parts of the country, it really hits me. Memories of sharing music at full blast when his dad wasn’t around, one line quips that had everyone at my dinner table in hysterics, imitating various family members & friends at backyard gatherings, the look on his face when I came to see him when he was in the color guard at a Redskins game and more come flooding back.

It has been just a month now & I am still having difficulties with his passing. I still have moments where suddenly a wave of great loss & sadness come rushing over me. The tears flow, my heart really physically aches, my stomach feels queasy & I have to quickly leave the room to compose myself again. The worst part of all of this is if I feel this badly, how horrible must my friend feel? I can NOT possibly imagine what it must be like for my friend. He absolutely loved & adored his son. His 2 children were his life. As he told me one phone call not too long ago, “There is a reason that you are supposed to die before your children.”

I feel so helpless & useless to my friend. He is hurting so badly & there is nothing I can do to ease his pain. I try to call or text him at least once a day, just to let him know that I am thinking of him. Living in another state doesn’t make it any easier either. I did fly up to spend a few days with my family & with him but then I needed to return to work. I took my cues from my friend as to what we did & said. We talked about anything & everything that he was comfortable with at the time. We “sort of” tried to watch football one night but I don’t remember anything about that game. My friend & I speak to each other every Sunday, as we have for many years, just before the games begin but it just isn’t the same. We both are avid football fans but especially with our beloved Ravens. On the days there is not a game we just talk about his day, my day, how he was doing better until a phone call or paperwork arriving in the mail slapped him in the face with the realization that he still has things that he must deal with regarding his son’s death. I want to scream at them all to just leave him alone for a while, please!!

In the meantime, if someone reads this (who would be reading this?) & has any words of advice or has gone through something similar and would like to share it, I would greatly appreciate hearing from you. I have looked through my books, notes, online, etc. looking for words of comfort but they all sounds so contrite or like a Hallmark card.

To my friends, family & business associates, I am sorry that I have neglected you lately. Please understand too if I suddenly leave your presence. It has nothing to do with you.

They say that time heals all. Well, I’m not sure that I believe it. The wound gets smaller, the scar gets thicker & you get a little less sensitive but it never completely heals. I know that each of us must go through grief in our own way and in our own timeframe. I just hope that my phone calls & text messages help a little. I do know that I love & appreciate each person in my life and want them to know that.